How to Talk About Politics Without Starting a Fight

Ask Christine Young.

Young is an associate professor of rhetoric and language. She has 30 years of experience in speaking, acting, and theater production and 17 years of experience with Jesuit compassion.

“The work of understanding is messy and complicated,” Young said. “We might think it’s better to just avoid circumstances in which we’re going to disagree with others, but building our capacity to tolerate discomfort, speak clearly about our beliefs and values, and listen carefully to the beliefs and values of others — those are essential skills for building a better society.”

Here is Young’s advice on how to engage others while still being true to yourself.  

Do: Ask questions

Rather than jumping to conclusions about what the other person means, ask. If Uncle Bill says that immigrants are different, ask him what he means by “different.” Questions show respect: You’re seeking to understand.

Do: Listen

When talking with someone else, we often spend more time thinking about what we’re going to say than we do listening to what the other person is saying. Listen with both ears. Listen how you would like to be listened to. And then speak.

Do: Speak for yourself

Aunt Maria says over pumpkin pie that “Everyone is so gender-confused these days! What is ‘nonbinary’ anyway?” Instead of lecturing Aunt Maria or hitting her with a quotation from author Akwaeke Emezi, who has written about being nonbinary, try, “In my experience, traditional gender roles can be stifling to women and men.” When you speak from your own experience, you use “I” statements, which can’t be refuted. And when you express your point of view, it gives people an opportunity to reconsider theirs. 

Don’t: Get defensive

If Uncle Bill says that your college is teaching you to be woke, you might feel flushed and start to stammer. But then you can take a breath and ask him what “woke” means to him. It’s natural to feel defensive, but if we can get curious instead of angry, we can increase our empathy and understanding.

Don’t: Raise your voice

If you find yourself raising your voice or rolling your eyes or pointing your finger, stop. Say, “Hey Aunt Maria, this sounds important to you, but it’s making me upset. I’d like to talk about it later.” Saying no is not just a tactic. It’s a sign of respect. Better for everyone if you stop rather than lose control.

Don’t: Try to win

If you and Uncle Bill can’t find common ground on immigration, it’s OK to stop talking about immigration. Take the long view. You’ll have other dinners. You don’t have to win tonight — or ever.

You can still love Uncle Bill and he can still love you. Remember that with family and friends, you’re on the same team. Maintaining a connection is far more important than winning a point.